***NEW*** Meet the people of CRAP
Tired of inflated transport bills. Try the new and innovative Capital Region Ambulance Provider. Utilizing 1980's era state of the art ambulances, CRAP offers a ground breaking, a-la-cart method of patient care, the patient is in charge of their own bill. At CRAP we don't do anything the patient doesn't want. With basic transports starting from $0.37 a mile($20.00 night surcharge applies). CRAP offers a wide array of services including whiskey for pain management to CPR(most crews, additional charges apply). CRAP has recently acquired a DFIB unit. The deep cycle marine battery and sponges will be sure to start even the most overdosed of patients.
Confidentiality is very important to CRAP, that is why we will never ask for a name, DOB or social security number. We accept cash, jewelry and other items of monetary or sentimental value.
Volume discount's, multi party transports and frequent transport miles are some of the ways CRAP helps you save money.
Not sure who to call? Problems with the law? Have outstanding warrants? We don't care. At CRAP we only care about the patient. We do you a favor, you do us a favor. It's a "win win" situation.
Are you itchy? Have a rash? Burns when you urinate? You may have an STD. DON'T CALL US. We don't need to catch what you might have. Be more careful next time. Hookers and drug addicts can be very dirty. Your best defense is staying away. There's nothing funny about crabs. You can try some cream or something but bottom line is you are going to have to walk your ass to the clinic.
Ask your CRAP representative about our Friday night Overdose Special. CRAP will bring you and two of your overdosed delinquent buddies to a hospital of your choice for the price of 1. Reservation recommended. Seats fill quickly so call now.
Due to legal issues CRAP will drop off all patients at the Emergency Room entrance of their desired hospital.
CRAP staff assumes no responsibility of health or property during or after transport.
CRAP is a division of Ambulance Speedy Service (ASS)
Collections for CRAP past due accounts performed by Corleone Import/Export Company